Almost
by RoxySkiChica
Summary: Fate always makes our choices for us even when we don’t want it to, that's how Ashley Davies came into my life, and exactly how she left it.
1. Drama Mama

**Intro **

Almost.

I almost had her.

Well, I had her. But at the same time I didn't.

I wish I had though, so bad.

I had never been that scared in my life. I never knew that college was so scary, or just the idea of leaving was so scary. Until that moment, the only _scary_ thing I ever faced was coming out to my parents, and even then it was the most natural thing for me, or anyone else in my place to do.

That isn't the point though.

The point is that, I'm supposed to go meet my parents for dinner at their place, and secretly they invited Ashley to come. I forced it out of my best friend Dan who is the gayest man on earth. He can never lie to me, I know him to well.

"No" I say bitterly, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Please" He asks in his little high pitched whiney voice.

"No, and that's final" I slam my door shut and dive into my bed, pulling the covers over my head.

He burst into my room. "Alright drama mama, get your shit together."

"I can't, and I won't." My voice is muffled under the comforter.

I hear him "Humph" and then exit my room.

Who said I wasn't allowed to hide from the world?

Well, okay, maybe I'm just hiding from her.

-

**Chapter One: Final Statement.**

"Does she know I'm going to be there?" Grabbing my keys, we head out to my car.

"Probably not, that's why its is exciting!" He claps his hands like a small child and I want to gag.

"Yeah, exciting" I mock him and get into the drivers seat.

"Honey, don't be so upset. Just pretend she's not coming"

He says it like its something easy do.

"Why don't you pretend to be straight and stop gawking over my brother" I snap back.

"Ouch." Hurt is written all over his face and I immediately feel bad.

"I'm sorry" I say meaningfully.

"Uh-huh"

For the rest of the ride we are silent.

I'm so nervous my hands are shaking.

My chest literally starts to hurt until I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Are we going to go in, or just sit here?" I turn my head and Dan is looking at me with a very concerned look.

"I don't think we have a choice." Sighing, I exit the car and close the door.

I stare at the place I used to call home.

The place where this all started.

_I am getting the mail when someone bumps into me, sending me to the concrete ground._

"_Oh my god! I am SO sorry." The unknown person grabs my arms and helps me to my feet. "Are you okay?" _

_I finally look up after picking up the fallen mail and I come eye to eye with a young brunette. She looks my age. Her hair is wavy and rests perfect fully on her shoulders. Her eyes are brown, but dangerously beautiful. "Y-yeah I'm okay" A smile pulls at the corners of my lips._

"_Are you sure?" She spins me around, making sure I am okay._

"_Really, I'm fine" A small laugh escapes my lips and she holds out her hand._

_I stick my hand out as well, and we shake. I notice in her other hand is a least attached to a Yellow Lab. _

"_Ashley Davies" She says and my heart goes to mush._

"_Spencer Carlin" I reply and let go._

"Spencer!" Dan is snapping his fingers in my face.

"Stop it" I fan his hand away and walk up the pathway to the front door.

He takes my hand knowing that I am horribly nervous. "C'mon princess, lets raise the roof in this bitch"

I laugh. "Let's."

I put wrap my hand around the door knob but I can't seem to raise the courage to push it open.

What will I say to her?

Will she be any different?

"Hi honey" My mom opens the door and embraces me in a loving hug.

"Hi mom" I kiss her cheek and give her a small hug back.

"Hi Dan"

"Hey Paula, love the outfit!" He says and my mom blushes.

She is wearing the dress he bought her last Christmas from Vera Wang.

It was a nice attempt to modernize her in her fashion sense.

I move past my mom and Dan as they talk about their male celebrity crushes.

"Dad?" I say into a seemingly empty house.

"In here" He answers from the kitchen and I go to him.

I set my keys on the counter and wrap my arms around him

"You know, you still hug like you did when you were five" His voice is happy.

"Is that a compliment?" I hug him tighter.

"Of course" He chuckles and hugs me back. "Alright, I have to continue making dinner"

I let go and grab a wine glass from the glass rack. "May I?" I ask politely.

"Yes, and pour me some as well" My dad replies and I open the bottle of wine.

"Okay" I smile to myself.

I'm twenty-six and I still feel like a child when I come home.

"Spencer?" I know that voice all to well. The bottle goes crashing to the ground and my heart stops.

I hold my breath and bend down immediately to pick up the pieces.

"Here, let me help you" She says.

"No, I got it." I don't look up at her, I keep my eyes on the broken pieces of glass.

"Oh my god!" Dan squeals.

"Hey Dan" She says back, and they move into the living room to talk.

My dad bends down next to me and takes my hands in his. "I'll get this"

Without hesitation I move away and wash my hands.

"I knew she was coming" I say monotone.

He stands up and gives me a surprised look. "You did?"

I nod my head.

"And you still came?"

I nod my head again.

I can feel the tears building up and I just want to leave this place.

My stomach is getting knotted and my ears are ringing.

"She never stopped loving you" He says matter of factly. "I believe she is still in love with you, and you were her."

I give him a dirty look. "Stop it, okay? Just stop it!" I push past him angrily.

"Spencer?" Dan says as I walk towards the door.

Before I can comprehend her actions, she grabs my hand to stop me from walking away, running away. "Please, don't go"

I fight back my tears. Her grip is tight.

"Take your hand off my arm" I say forcefully, but gently.

Her hand releases.

"I want to talk to you" She pleads.

"And I don't" I retort back.

"Bitch Alert" Dan says and steps in between us, facing Ashley. "Ashley, sweetie, it was lovely to see you, lets do this again" He kisses her on both cheeks and walks out the door. "C'mon mama drama, I think we've raised the roof enough in this bitch for tonight"

This entire time, my eyes have never left hers.

And hers never left mine.

I sigh and walk out, only letting my emotions get away from me when I get to my car. I open the doors and my knee's buckle.

This is to much.

God, I hate how she affects me even after all this time.

Dan wraps his arm around my waist and walks me around the passenger side and I get in.

We leave in a hurry, but stop for a drink on the way home at Dan's favorite bar. Which is full of gay men, so I had nothing to worry about except how low my drink was getting.

As I stared into my many drinks, I always got lost in them thinking about her.

Her.

I really like hiding from her. But like my mom says "Fate always makes our choices for us even when we don't want it to"

**Should I continue? **


	2. Forrest Gump

**Chapter Two: No, it isn't.**

I stretch my arms out and yawn, pushing my pillow off the bed.

I reach over the edge of the bed and feel around for it. I don't want to open my eyes, but I have to in order to find it.

The sun hits me like a brick wall.

"Ow" I cover my eyes and pull the covers over my head.

I roll over and then realize I'm not alone.

Who would be in my bed?

I was at a _Gay_ bar last night.

Wait.

I was, and then I left and went to the lesbian bar a block away.

Oh My God.

I open my left eye and see a brunette sleeping next to me. She is cute. With her straight hair and pierced eye brow she looks damn good for being asleep.

And oddly, she looks kind of like Ashley.

The words slip from my mouth. "Ashley"

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

"Uh, I mean, Hey you, wake up" I sit up and nudge her. She stirs our of her slumber and gives me a tired smile.

"Hey" She stumbles out of the bed and starts putting her clothes back on, which are strewn across the room along with mine.

"I had, uh, a good time last night" I furrow my eye brows trying to remember what really happened, but I can't remember a thing.

"Yeah, me too" She slides her sunglasses on and leaves.

I wait till I hear the front door close and then get up.

Dan is already up and has a pot of coffee made.

He rocks my socks.

I don't dare look in the mirror because I know I won't like what I see.

I'll see a girl who is heartbroken and lost.

A girl who is missing her heart because someone stole it when I wasn't watching.

A girl who has resorted to meaningless sex to try and forget about the one who killed me, but everyone of them look similar to Ashley.

A girl who hides from most of the world.

Ugh.

I don't like that girl in the mirror.

"Good morning sleeping beauty" Dan says with a smile on his face.

I groan and pour myself a cup of coffee, putting tons of sugar and creamer in it.

"Sleep well?"

"I don't remember" I take a seat next to him on the couch.

"Good because I don't want to know about it anyways"

I eye him meanly. "Gee, you really know how to charm a girl"

He puts his hand on his chest. "Excuse me, but I'm a mega charmer, just ask the man candy I fucked all nig-"

I clasp my hand over his mouth. "That's enough Casanova" I giggle and start drinking my coffee.

He is silent.

And then he takes my cup out of my hands and sets it aside and makes sure I am facing him. "Are you okay sweetie?"

"Yeah, I'm fine" I lie, not making eye contact.

"Bullshit" He scoffs. "I'm sorry about last night, I just thought you two would talk and the world would be sane again" I know he's being honest.

"You thought if we talked, that BAM, all would be forgotten?" I look at him shocked.

He nods his head eagerly.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but its never that easy when it comes to Ashley" I say sadly.

I'm saying things I don't want to say and talking about things I don't want to talk about.

Again.

"Honey, life is only as hard as you make it" God, he sounds just like my mom.

"God, you sound like my mom" A disgusted look washes over my face.

"Whatever" He rolls his eyes and looks away.

"Its true" I reply.

There is a knock on the door.

"Who would be here in the morning?" I ask dumbly.

"Oh sweetie, its not morning anymore." He points the clock on the stove.

It shows 1:30.

Holy mother of god.

I slept half the day.

"Spencer, close your eyes." Dan yells at me.

I look at him.

"Hey! No peeking young lady" He scolds me. "Close your eyes"

I do as I am told. "Why?" I whine.

"Zip it sista" He says in his boy from the hood voice. I mean, girl from the hood voice.

"Yeah yeah" I put my hands on my eyes for full eye coverage.

"Okay, open them!" He says excitedly.

I move my hands to my lap and then open my eyes slowly only to come face to face with a fish in a bowl.

"Um, what is that?"

"It's a fish silly." Dan says rudely and hands it to me. "It'll be therapeutic." He says like he knows everything.

"Right" I get up and go to my room. "Where should I put it?" I look around.

It's a blue and red Japenese Fighting fish, a Beta.

"Here" Dan pats my desk.

"Good idea, that way I won't forget about it"

"Precisely." He wraps his arms around me, hugging me. "What are you going to name it?"

"I shall name it, Frenchie"

"Frenchie?" He looks amazed.

"Yes"

"Whatever floats your boat then" He kisses my cheek. "Spence,darling, I have to attend to some things, so I may or may not be back for dinner, mkay?"

"Uh-huh, sure."

I push him. "Go have fun"

"Hey, take it easy." He flicks his hand in the air. "Ciao, Bella" Such a queen.

"Bye" I laugh to myself. "I guess its just you and me buddy" I am level with the bowl and the fish is staring at me. I puff my cheeks out and it flares itself right back at me. "Feisty, I like." I stand up and change into some real clothes.

Who knows who might stop by today, and I want to look semi-decent if anyone does.

Plus, I might just leave this apartment and do something.

But before I do that I dive into my bed and lay there, staring at the ceiling. Thinking about how I got here to this point in my life.

"_Hi, is, uh, Spencer here?" A girl asks my mom. At the sound of her voice my head immediately leaves the TV screen and I stare at the door. _

"_Wait here" My mom says nicely and walks into the living room. "Spencer?"_

"_Yeah mom?"_

"_You have a guest."_

_I act oblivious. "Really?"_

"_Yep" She smiles and walks upstairs. _

_I stand up excitedly and practically run to the door. I fling it open, almost knocking myself out, but thankfully I don't._

_That would be so embarrassing._

"_Hi" The auburn haired girl smiles at me, holding out a box of chocolate and "Forrest Gump" The movie._

"_What's this for?" I ask curiously, taking it._

"_Its my apology" She states._

_I tilt my head. _

"_You know, for almost killing you yesterday" She laughs nervously._

"_Oh, right. Well" I shift my weight on my feet._

_A nervous habit._

"_That's really nice of you, Thanks" _

"_Yeah, its no problem." _

_She stands there awkwardly and I'm unsure if I should ask her to come in or not._

_But she speaks up first._

"_Do you want to like, get out of here or something? You know, like hang out or whatever.." Her eyes never look into mine, they shift from her feet to her hands._

"_Um, yeah, sure" _

_A big smile crosses her face. "Really? I mean, because you don't have to just because I gave u chocolate and all" _

_She is talking really fast and its kind of cute._

_Putting my hand on her shoulder, I calm her down. "Really." I shut the door behind me after setting my gifts on the small table. "C'mon, lets do something crazy" _

_She laughs at me and I turn red._

_This is a courtship I don't think I couldn't stand not having, I think to myself._

I smile to myself and finally get up off my lazy ass.

I check my phone for any messages and am surprised to see one from Ashley.

**Sorry about last night, I didn't mean to ruin it, or upset you. After this, you will never have to see or hear from me again. Always, Forrest Gump.**

A whimper leaves my lips as I fall to the floor.


	3. The little things that give you away

**Thanks so much for all the lovely comments! Keep them coming! ****J**

I run push the 'call back' button, grab a sweater, my wallet and run out the door to my car.

No answer.

"_Hi, you've reached Ashley's phone, leave a message." _

I hit end and throw my phone into the passenger seat.

Sliding my glasses on hurriedly, I speed out of the parking lot.

Five minutes later I am at her door banging as hard as I can. "Ashley, its me, let me in" I say hoarsely.

I can't hear anyone inside.

I look around and see no one so I open the side gate and run threw her back yard.

I trip over a chair and fall flat on my face. "Fucker" I stand up and can't believe my eyes.

Ashley is sitting there, on the phone, in one of her nice beach chairs.

What the hell?

This must be a really bad joke or dream or something.

"Ashley?" I say in disbelief.

My heart beats faster and faster but not because I'm in the presence of someone who I love dearly, but because I thought I would find her dead or something.

"Spencer?" She turns around to face me, and looks very surprised, if not shocked to see me standing there.

I am a mess.

I look at my feet and see that I tore my favorite jeans.

Dammnit.

My mouth becomes dry and even if I wanted to say something, I can't.

She tells the who ever she is talking to 'goodbye' and then walks over to me. "What are you doing here?"

Say something.

Come on, Carlin, its not that hard to form a sentence.

"I thought-" I furrow my eyes angrily. "What the hell was that message you sent me?" I nudge her hard causing her to falter backwards.

She looks at me confused.

"I thought you were going to kill yourself or something" I breath out sadly, and I think my heart may stop beating completely if I stand here any longer.

This is to much, I cannot do this.

Her face has bewilderment written all over it and I don't wait around for an answer. I book it out of there and get into my car.

She follows me just like she's done a hundred times before and other moments like this come rushing back to me.

"_Spencer, wait for just one second" She pleads me._

_I come to a halt. "One" I say loudly and start walking to my house._

"_Hey" She grabs my arm, forcing me to stop. "You're not being fair" _

"_No, I'm not." I say gruffly, yanking my arm away, but she grabs my hand instead. "But you know what's not fair? Telling a certain girl how you feel about them, and then finding some dirty skank rubbing her boobs in her face" I yank my hands away. "That's not fair Ashley." _

"_We were playing truth or dare" She says._

"_Is that supposed to be some kind of apology?" I say harshly, not caring if she is hurting._

_I'm the one who is hurting._

_This is such a disaster._

"_No, I just" She sighs and runs her hand throw her messy hair. "I'm sorry okay?" _

_I shift my weight from one foot to the other, waiting for a further explanation. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never purposely hurt you." _

_I know she is being honest but it still hurts._

_My heart still aches, and my hands are beginning to tremble._

I slam my car door and close my eyes, and count to ten.

I hear the other door open and I know she is in here with me.

Its almost suffocating and I wish this wasn't happening.

"I'm moving" She breaks the silence.

"What?" I squeak out.

"You made it clear last night that you don't want me in your life, and I respect that Spencer, I really do." Her lower lip is shaking and a tear runs down her cheek. She brushes it away quickly and looks out the window.

"Ash" I put my hand on hers. "I don't want you to move"

"Its to late, I already bought a condo in Seattle." She says bitterly, and then gets out.

I sit there in shock and fumble with my keys. I dial Dan's cell.

"**How's my favorite lesbian?" **He is always so cheerful.

"Dan" I cry out. "I need you, please" And then the phone falls from my fingers.

I think I passed out because the next thing I know, Dan is knocking on my window and Ashley is at his side. She looks like she has been crying, but it could just be my blurry vision.

I unlock the door and Dan opens it quickly. "Darling, you look just awful" He paws at my hair.

"Shut it Dan" Ashley pushes him aside and pulls me out.

He stands there in shock.

"Are you going to help me or just stand there?" She asks him.

He lurches at my other side and they get me inside.

My vision is better and once I'm on the couch I see boxes.

Lots of boxes.

She wasn't kidding.

My stomach gets a pang and I feel nauseas.

"Here, drink this" Ashley sits on the edge of the couch with a glass of Apple Juice in her hands.

I sit up slowly, not making eye contact with her. "Thanks" I mumble. "I thought you were moving"

"I was, but you always found the most crazy ways to keep from you" She jokes and a small smile pulls at the sides of my lips.

"See, there it is." She points at me while looking at Dan.

"I see, very interesting" He has a look on his face similar to a pondered look.

I roll my eyes at them.

"I'm not leaving Spence"

Spence.

I love that.

I eye her curiously.

"You need someone to protect you, and obviously Dan is sucking at that job." She gives him a harsh look.

"Always the charmer." I sip on my drink.

She laughs and we just stare into each others eyes.

I'm so tired of being angry at her, but more angry at the fact that there isn't an 'us' anymore.

I gave her my all, and finally it seems she is trying to give something back.


	4. The Lion King

"I should go" I stand up and walk to the door.

Her hand grabs my forearm. "Wait"

I am staring at her hand and how she is only touching me in one place but yet I feel it every where.

I haven't felt that feeling in a long time, at least not since we broke up.

"_I love you" She says gently, almost choking on her tears._

_I shake my head and look away. _

"_Spence" She takes my hand in hers. I'm not just feeling tingly in my hand, but my whole body. That is what she does to me._

"_No, you don't get to call me that" I'm being an asshole, but I'm hurting and she deserves it._

"_What's that supposed to mean?" She asks angrily._

"_You don't have the rights of being my partner anymore, so you figure it out." I grab the rest of my clothes that are in her closet._

"_What am I supposed to say to that? Huh?" She starts taking my clothes out of my bag and putting them back on the shelves. _

_I don't think twice, I immediately grab them again._

_But each second its getting harder and harder to think, to breath and I need to leave her presence._

"_I have to go" I say abruptly, walking past her with my bags in hand._

"_This is real isn't it?" A hint of disbelief is evident in her voice._

"_Yes, and it was the moment you decided that __**we**__" I motion between us. "wasn't ever something you wanted." I say bitterly._

"_I never said that" She is standing in front of me now, putting up a fight._

"_No you didn't, but you did sleep with three other girls while on your business trip" I am crying now, and my face is hot from being so angry at her. _

_God, I am crazy for thinking she was serious about me, us._

_Or am I? _

_I mean, we've been together for five years but we've known each other for ten years._

_**Were**__ together I should say, god how I hate saying or thinking that._

"Text or something when you get home, so I know you made it there alive." She is being so caring, and it's making my heart melt.

But I won't let her melt my heart, not this time around.

"Yeah, okay." I nod my head and leave.

-

I get home and text Ashley telling her I made it alive, and then I turn my phone off. I am emotionally drained from today, and I can tell you, hands down, its all because of **her**.

Its always because of her.

Like the time I got knocked down onto the ground when I was fifteen.

The time when my then boyfriend and I where on our way to having sex and she texted me telling me it was okay if I didn't want to because I shouldn't have to just to keep him around. I cried after reading it.

How about the time when she told me she was gay, and I kissed her.

And the time when I fell in love with her.

"Spencer?" I hear Dan yell from inside the apartment.

I am on the balcony, watching the sunset. I don't answer him.

"Hey gorgeous" He says, standing next to me. He hands me a cigarette and I take it.

"Hey" I bring the cigarette to my mouth and he lights it for me. I inhale and close my eyes.

I don't smoke regularly, only when I am stressed.

"You know, I thought you were dead" He says softly.

"Sorry to disappoint you" I reply.

"Spencer Carlin, I will not let you be so fucking emo" He is being serious.

"Okay" I smash my cigarette on the banner and walk back inside.

I go to my room and grab my keys.

"Where are you going?"

"My parents, I need to be home right now"

"Alright, well, call me if you need anything sweetie."

"Okay" I walk passed him.

He grabs my hand in a sweet gesture and gives it a squeeze. "You deserve to be happy"

I nod my head.

"Ciao" He kisses my cheek and I walk away.

-

I get to my parents house and only my mom is home. "Hi mom" I say loudly as I walk through the front door.

"Spencer?" She comes around the corner from her bedroom.

"No, it's the mail man" I deadpan.

She smiles and wraps me in a big hug. I wrap my arms around her and hold onto her tightly, afraid to let go.

Afraid that if I do, I will just fall apart, and I don't want that.

"Where's Dan?" She asks.

"Oh, he's not with me, obviously" I chuckle nervously and make myself pull away from her.

She looks at me like she can see right through me and it makes me want to cry. "Spencer, what's wrong?" She makes me sit with her on the couch.

I fidget with my keys. "I, uh, uhm" I am struggling to find my voice. "I went to Ashley's today" I blurt out.

"Is that so?" She asks, and leans back.

"Yeah" My leg starts to bounce up and down until she puts her hand over it.

"Why?"

"She sent me this text and I thought she was going to kill herself, but it turns out she was just moving"

"Was?"

"Yeah, she uhm,-she decided that Dan is a horrible babysitter for me, so she isn't moving anymore" I know I'm not making any sense to her right now.

She just stares at me blankly. "I got really upset and I passed out in my car"

Shock washes over her face.

"But don't worry, the car was parked." I smile nervously.

"Honey, that is terrible."

"I know" I agree with her.

We sit there in silence because she knows I'm not done talking.

"I still love her" I choke on my tears and my mom hands me a tissue.

She does something unexpected, she hugs me.

And then, against my will, I start to cry.

Again.

And cry into the night and just like when I was five and we would watch the Lion King, my dad carried me to my room, well, my old room now, and kissed me good night.


	5. Memories and Plane Tickets

"_Ash?" I stick my head out my window into the night sky._

_Nothing._

_I swear I heard something outside._

_I grab a flashlight I keep stocked under my bed and zip up my jacket. I turn it on and shine it around and then I see her._

_She in the tree outside my house, trying to get on the roof. "Ash!" I whisper loudly. She turns head quickly and smiles at me. I swing my leg over the edge of the window and place my foot on the roof. I then carefully swing my other foot out and stand up. I tip-toe over to where the tree is. "What are you doing?" I ask, setting the light down._

"_I'm bored" She gives a crinkled nose grin and my stomach churns with the butterflies._

_I get as close to the edge as possible and stick my arms out, she reaches and I take her hand firmly in mine. I help her out of the tree and onto the roof._

"_That is hardly a reason to climb a tree and get onto a neighbors roof in the middle of the night Ash." I say, sitting down._

"_How was your date?" She asks, not looking at me. _

"_It was fine" I lie, I don't want to tell her that I cried and that even though she said I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to, I did anyways._

"_You're lying" She can see right through me._

"_I am not" I defend myself._

_She sighs and doesn't reply. _

_I fiddly with my jacket, not sure what to say. "It was awful" I admit, holding back my tears._

"_It couldn't of been that bad" She replies._

"_It was." I say. "We you know.." I look away from her._

"_You what?" _

"_Never mind, it was nothing" I say sharply._

_Her arm finds its way on my knee. "Tell me, please" _

"_We-I fucked him okay?!" I say harshly, then I bite my lip._

"_Was it good?" She asks._

_I shake my head. "No" I say quietly._

"_Why?"_

"_Was is this, twenty questions or something?" I breathe out. I take a big breath. "Hewasn'tyou" I mumble._

"_What?" Her face gets very close to mine and she is searching my eyes._

"_He wasn't you" I say again, but slower._

"_What do you mean?" Her arm releases._

"_Can we talk about something else?" I ask._

"_Yeah, sure." She says back, and I feel her eyes leave me._

"_I'm going to go back to bed, and you better not fall of the roof getting down" I stand up and help her._

"_I won't, and sleep tight" She kisses my cheek and I watch her climb down to the ground, when she is safely down I stealthily make my way back to my room._

"Spencer" I am woken up by someone saying my name. I don't even open my eyes when I reply.

"What?" I say in a hazy response.

"I brought you something" He says.

Him, being my brother Glen.

"Go away" I roll over.

"No, I won't" He is so annoying sometimes. "C'mon, get up" He yanks the covers off me and I instantly curl up into a ball.

"Gleennnnn" I whine and open my eyes and see him smiling at me. I sit up. "I'm up, okay?"

He sits next to me and holds out a wrapped gift.

I stare at him and open it. I am surprised when I see two plane tickets Hawaii in it. "I don't understand" I look at him for an answer. "Who is the other one supposed to be for?" I ask.

"Well, the parental's and I thought you deserved a nice vacation, and I know you've always wanted to go to Hawaii, so we got you these tickets" He puts his arm over my shoulder. "I am your favorite brother right?" I know he is trying to get me to take him with me, but its not going to happen.

"Yes Glen, but I think we may kill each other before the trip is over" I chuckle and so does he. "Wait, how long will I and this mystery person be gone?"

"Two weeks exactly" He stands up and I do as well.

"Awesome" I wrap my arms around his neck. "Thank you" I kiss his cheek.

"Yeah, no problem" He replies and I let go. "Now who _are_ you going to take with you?" He asks as we walk down stairs.

"I don't know yet"

-

I eat breakfast with my family and then drive back to my apartment. I unlock the door and I notice that it is oddly clean. I make a face when I smell Lysol. "Dan?"

"No, actually." Ashley walks out of the bathroom. She is wearing rubber gloves and her hair is all messy.

"Oh"

Oh? I sound like such an ass hole.

"Sorry, but Dan called me last night and wanted me to clean the apartment since you weren't home, he said, I quote, I don't want to break a nail" She smiles and stands there staring at her feet.

I can't help but laugh. "Sounds like Dan"

"Yep" She says in a small voice.

"Yep" I repeat awkwardly.

"I should, uh, finish up" She turns around quickly and walks away.

I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I let out a large sigh.

I walk into my room and shut the door. I set the tickets on my night stand and walk over to my stereo. I put in a mix Dan made for me right after Ashley and I broke up. I haven't listened to it in a long time, and I feel my legs get weak. I decide to sit on my bed and I just stare at the ticket.

Who am I going to take?

And then that's when I hear it.

_So get back, back, back to where we like I imagine.I could never feel this get back, back, back to the heart's beating on to feel the same._

At the same time I hear those lyrics, she knocks on my door and cracks it open. "Spencer?"

I look up and find that I am staring into brown eyes. "Yeah?" I stand up and motion her to come in. "What's up?"

"Oh, I just wanted to tell you I'm done" She lets her hair down out of her messy pony tail and it falls perfectly on her shoulders.

"Oh,um, thanks"

I watch as her eyes fall onto to the plane tickets.

"Are you going somewhere?"

"Apparently so" I chuckle lightly. I clear my throat sensing she didn't think I was being funny. "My parents got me two tickets to Hawaii"

She bites her lip. "Oh, who are taking?"

"I'm not sure yet" I scratch my head. Should I ask her?

She furrows her eyebrows like she wanted to say something, but didn't. "Well, I'm going to go"

"Okay, bye" I say and close my door after she walks out of my room.

Just as she is leaving, I grab her arm lightly. "Do you want to with me?" I say quietly.

Her eyes travel from my hand on her arm to my eyes, and I lick my lips.

"What?" I can tell she is in total disbelief.

"You always said you wanted to go there, and I have an extra ticket, so, I'm asking you, do you want to go to Hawaii with me?" I am almost in tears because I fear what she might or might not say.

"Umm…"

And I release my grip on her arm.


	6. Not here, Not now

"Umm…"

And I release my grip on her arm. "Sorry, I know it seems random, but-"

She covers my mouth with her hand. "I would love to go, I mean hello, its freaking Hawaii" She smiles and I let a large smile form across my face.

"Really?" I ask in disbelief.

"Really." She wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me close and I am engulfed by the smell of her.

"Cool" Is all I can manage to say, I mean, I'm in slight shock here.

She lets go. "So, when do we leave?" Her eyebrows are raised and a huge grin is plastered across her face.

"I'm not actually sure, hold on" I say and go get the tickets. I look at them. "We leave….tomorrow actually." I am surprised.

"No way?! This is awesome!" She is acting like a little kid, buts its adorable so who cares.

"Yepp, its awesome all right" I say and hand her a ticket.

"Thanks, well, um, I guess I should start packing" And without warning she kisses my cheek and I stand there unsure what to do.

She must notice my awkwardness. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have."

"No, its okay. Don't worry about it." Yeah, I'm smooth like that.

"Oh, okay" And she walks away with a sway in her hips that makes my jaw land on the floor, figuratively speaking of course.

-

"Girl, you are crazy." Dan says while filing his nails.

"I am not" I fling yet another bathing suit in my suitcase.

"Anyways, why did you ask her?" He loves the juicy details.

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know, I just, it felt right I guess" I am being completely honest.

"Oh, to be young!" He spins around and I roll my eyes.

"Dan, you're only three months older than me" I scoff.

"Yeah, but that's three whole GAY months" He falls dramatically onto my bed.

"You are the strangest man I have ever meant" I say.

"I resent that statement." He says and leaves the room.

"Okay!" I yell after him.

-

I'm sitting in my car outside Ashley's waiting for her. I'm here twenty minutes early, but who cares.

No one.

Her door opens and I sit up straight in my seat, and I get the butterflies. She walks to my car and I get out to help her. I pop the trunk and she tosses her bags in it.

"Ready?" I ask as I get into my car.

"Yeah, you?"

"As ready as I'll ever be" I let out a small laugh and then put the car in drive. My knuckles are white and I feel like I might puke at anytime.

All the way to the Airport I don't utter a word, not even when we arrive at the gate. I think I'm stricken with fear, or something. I was never like this when we were together, but she's not speaking either so maybe we are both nervous.

"_Good movie huh?" I say with a smile across my face, not that she can she see it or anything, because we are walking in the dark._

"_Yeah, it was pretty good" She replies._

"_Pretty good? That's all you can say?" I stop walking and so does she._

"_Um, yeah?" Her voice cracks and I stare at her because I don't know what to say._

"_Okay" I say softly and we walk in silence._

_Ever now and again her hand brushes against mine and then she jerks it away in a hurry._

_When the night is over I am left feeling confused and jealous of whoever she lets her hand brush against because I'm not that person._

We are on the plane now and I know I should start a conversation with her, but I just don't know how anymore.

She does though. "Spencer?"

My heart jumps when she says my name and I slowly turn my head. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry" Her eyes are focused on her lap and she is biting her lip.

I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. I mean, what am I supposed to say to that? 'No, don't be sorry, its okay that you slept with three other girls' No, I don't think your supposed to say that.

I watch as she raises her head and now is looking at me probably trying to figure out what I'm about to say.

My mouth is beginning to get dry and I struggle to swallow and then that's when the words come out like word vomit. "I know" And I take her hand in mine and give a light squeeze and a tear runs down her cheek. I force myself to look away and let go of her hand.

This isn't the right time for this, not here, not now.

But will it ever be the _right _time?


	7. Like I always have

Why do we do things we do?

I want to know, because right now I am not entirely sure why I asked Ashley to come with me to Hawaii.

Is it because I didn't want to be there all by myself? Yes.

Is it because I still love her? Yes

Is it because I'm still in love with her? Probably.

Even though I said yes to all those questions, there still isn't a reasonable reason to why I asked her. I mean, we haven't talked in at least a year and then suddenly I invite her to come to Hawaii with me? I must be out of my mind.

_With the help of one of Ashley's coworkers I am planning on surprising her in New York on her business trip. She's been gone a week, and I've been in a funk since she left. I need her, I can't breathe with out her._

_I step off the private jet that Ashley bought so she could fly back and forth easily for her job, and for when we need to get away, we just fly somewhere, anywhere._

_The East Coast air is chilly and I tighten my jacket around me, and walk towards the car that comes with the jet._

_Nice, I know._

_-_

_The driver opens the door and lets me out. I hand the bell boy a ten dollar bill and he takes my luggage from me. _

"_Room number?" He asks._

"_445" I say and walk to the elevator._

_I am getting the butterflies in my stomach from being so excited to see her._

_-_

_I slide my cardkey in the door and the light flashes green._

_I open it slowly, and huge grin spread across my face. "Ashley?"_

_That's when I see it._

_Ashley, and some blonde skank fully naked laying across the bar._

_Her._

_My Ashley._

"_Spencer?!" Ashley pushes the girl off her and she goes flying to the ground. The girl shrieks and hides behind the counter. "This isn't what it looks like" She pleads with me, while grabbing a robe to cover herself._

_I am too dumbfounded to speak, not even able to utter a word, I walk out of there in a hurry. I tell the hotel to send my bags to the airport and I hurriedly hail a cab. I look back when I hear my name being yelled. I see Ashley standing there, looking like a mess. She is chasing the car, but I tell the driver not to stop, and then she isn't running anymore. She is hailing a cab herself. I bite my lip so I won't cry. I can't cry, not here, not now._

_- _

_I am happy to arrive at the plane. I get out and start walking to the plane, and as I set my hand on the railing, and car drives towards me and then comes to a screeching halt. Ashley gets out and I begin to walk up the stairs._

"_Spencer.." I can tell she is crying by the tone of her voice, its cracked, husky._

"_I'll see you at home" I deadpan, too afraid to say anything else. Afraid that I might break right here._

"_Wait" She grabs my hand and my whole body is on fire. Her mouth opens like she might say something ,but nothing comes out. _

"_Goodbye Ashley" I say and kiss her cheek, acting like I saw nothing. Because that's what it was, nothing. She loves me and only me. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. It won't happen again I repeat in my head and get onto the plane._

I stir out of my slumber and see that Ashley is still sitting next to me and we are still on the plane. She is listening to her Ipod an I can faintly hear her music. I straighten up in my seat and my arm bumps against hers. She jumps and I stiffen up. "Sorry" I say quietly.

She pulls the head phone out of her ear and smiles at me. "Hello Sleeping Beauty" I can feel my cheeks getting hot. "Sleep good?"

"Yeah, I guess." I don't explain further because I don't want to talk about how I dreamed about when the first time I caught her cheating, it hurts to much. And every time I see her thinking about it, sorrow and pain is written all over her face and I get sick to my stomach.

-

We arrive at the hotel and I am happy to find that there are in fact two beds in our room. Our hotel is right on the beach and it has the perfect view of the ocean. The smell of the ocean fills my nose as I walk out onto the deck. The wind blows through my hair and I close my eyes.

I feel her presence before her hand touches my arm. "This is amazing" She breathes out in a low voice, one that I haven't ever heard before.

I turn to face her. "Yeah"

"Which bed do you want?" She asks and for a second I am confused at her question.

"Oh, I don't care, either is fine" I furrow my eyebrows.

"Good because I already chose the one closest to the bathroom" Her nose crinkles and she skips back into the room.

_Slowly she is tearing down the walls I put up because of her, and all I can do is watch her, like I always have. _


	8. Pina Coladas and Tequila Shots

I'm sitting on a beach in Hawaii with my ex -girlfriend who is also my ex-best friend. I mean, who would have thought? Definitely not me. This girl broke my heart. She broke everything that I was when I was with her, and when I left her, I didn't have much left except my job, my family and the gayest man on earth.

I remember the first night I slept in a bed all by myself and it meant something. I was single. Alone. I didn't belong to anyone, and it made me cringe in my skin. I cried so hard that night and Dan was nice enough to stay by my side all night long and hold my hair back as I puked my guts out.

And I brought _her_ to Hawaii with me?! I must be crazy. I know what you're thinking. You think I shouldn't have brought her, that I shouldn't even be near her, but I am.

I am brought out of my thoughts by a soft hand on my shoulder. "Spencer, are you okay?" Ashley sounds concerned.

I look at her. "Yeah, I'm fine" I smile.

"Okay" And she returns the drink her Pina Colada.

I breath in deep and stand up. I walk to the bar and take a seat. "A shot of tequila please" I tell the bar tender.

"You got it" He replies. He sets it in front of me and I take it. I stare at it for a minute and then gulp it down. I give him the money and return to my seat on the beach, next to Ashley.

"I talked to your brother, afterwards.." Her voice trails off and I don't know what she is talking about.

"After what?" I ask.

She sits up and turns so she is facing me. Sighing, she takes a large gulp of her drink and then sits up straight. "After, you left"

A pain hits my stomach and I am nervous now. "Why?" I ask.

"Just so you know, I never stopped caring" She says honestly and looks away.

This is a conversation I have been avoiding for months now, and I know this is easy for her either. But it has to be done.

"I know" I reply softly.

"I know how bad you got, and it killed me that I was the reason"

My throat is getting tight and my eyes are starting to burn. "Will the pain ever stop?" Its more of a rhetorical question, but she answers anyways.

"I hope so" And then she gets up and leaves.

She just leaves, except when I watch her walk away, her arms are wrapped around her torso and she looks like she might shrivel up any second.

And then it hits me.

_I'm not the only one who is hurting._


	9. Spaghetti and Cher

"_Spencer, please" Her voice is raw._

"_You want me to wait?! You're asking me to wait?!" I turn around angrily to face her, to look her in the eye._

_Her eyes drift away from my face to the floor._

"_Fuck you Ashley, fuck you" I say it with such force I don't even recognize my voice. I feel the tears streaming down my face, and I want her to see them, but who knows if she'll look at me. _

"_Spence.." She sobs and her knee's buckle causing her to fall to the floor._

_I look around nervously at the few people still hanging around the lobby of the hotel. "Get up, you're making a scene" I say through gritted teeth._

_She stands up and wipes away her tears. "I love you"_

"_I'm not doing this again Ash" I whisper._

_And with that, I walk away. _

_I left my heart in Miami, with the heartless soul that stole it from me._

"Ashley, do you want spaghetti or macaroni and cheese for dinner?" I ask.

She is laying on the couch with her eyes closed. "Spaghetti would be nice, thank you"

"Okay, and you're welcome" I smile and start putting water in the pot.

"You know, no one ever cooked for me except you" She says from behind me.

I didn't realize she had gotten up.

"Really? What about you're mom?" I ask.

Her shoulders shrug up and down. "What about her? She was a workaholic and always made tv dinners whenever she was home"

I am silent because I don't know what to say. We never talked about her mom much when we were younger, it just never came up.

She leans back against the counter and is playing with her hair, just like she used to do when we lived together.

"_Spencer?" Her voice carries through the apartment as she enters. _

_I set the glass of wine I'm drinking on the counter. "In here" _

_She turns around the corner and I immediately smile. "Hi baby" _

_Her arms wrap around my waist and her lips make contact with mine. "Hi" She smiles up at me._

"_How was your day?" She asks, pouring herself a glass of wine._

"_It was fine, nothing to exciting, how was yours?" I pour the sauce into a pan and light the stove._

_She sighs. "It was okay, the boss wants me to up my work hours, but I told him I had to think about it first." _

"_Oh, by how much?"_

"_Hm, fifteen more hours per week." Her voice is lined with annoyance._

"_That's a lot" I say softly._

"_I know" She sips on her wine. "But lets talk about something else" She skips into the living room and I know she is about to put on some music. _

_And I know exactly what she is about to play._

"_If I could turn back time, by Cher" Its her favorite song of all times and she lip syncs to it almost every night._

_She comes waltzing into the kitchen with a hair brush in one hand acting as her microphone and she is in her underwear and bra with a leather jacket on. _

_I smile to myself and continue making dinner and watching my girl put on a show for me, and damn, does she know how to put on a show._


	10. Meet my friend, Jose Cuervo

_**I am so sorry I haven't updated in forever! I don't know why I never got around to it. I hope I still have some readers left **__**J **_

_**To me, she was perfect. I know no one is actually perfect, but in the way I saw her, she was. **_

_**We are both eighteen. We are laying in her backyard next to the pool. It smells of tanning lotion and smoothies. It's the smell of summer. I love summer, but I love being here with her even more. **__**"Ash.." I whisper her name.**_

"_**Yeah?" She answers back.**_

"_**I'm scared" **_

"_**Of what? The sun going away? Don't be it'll back tomorrow" She says in an almost serious voice, but I know she isn't. She is an expert of hiding behind her seriousness. When we first met three years ago, she thought I couldn't see through her act, but I read her like an open book. **_

_**I swing my legs over the chair and face her. "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm afraid of! Oh my god, how did you know?" I shriek sarcastically with a huge grin on my face.**_

_**She is staring at me with a serious face and then I see the corners of her lips tug into a smile and we both burst into laughter. It ends quickly and then I turn my attention to the pool. I watch how the water shines in the sunlight and how the sun almost dances across the water. **_

"_**Hey" She says softly. Her hand gently places itself under my chin, bringing my attention back to her. "What are you scared of?" Her eyes are searching mine, but I won't let her in. **_

"_**Everything is changing" I say, my voice almost cracking. **_

"_**Life is about change, it happens to everyone" **_

"_**Your not making me feel any better" I deadpan.**_

_**A sigh escapes her lips and she moves so she is sitting next to me. "Look, you're my best friend. I love you, and nothings going to change that" And just like the night on my roof, she leaves a butterfly kiss on my cheek, making my insides turn.**_

"_**Yeah, I guess" I am still sulking and why? I have no idea.**_

"_**Hey, cheer up. I mean, c'mon, you've got a friend like me who's loaded with money and has a house all to herself tonight" **_

_**I look at her confused. "I thought your mom was coming home today" **_

_**I watch her face go from a smile to a disappointed expression. "Nope, something came up last minute so she has to stay another day." **_

"_**Well, this means only one thing" I say excitedly.**_

"_**What?" **_

"_**Girl's night!" **_

"_**You mean you're going to cook for me? Thanks" She says all nonchalantly.**_

_**I roll my eyes. "Well, now that you left me no choice" **_

_**She playfully pushes me. **_

_**I stand up and bring her with me. "C'mon cupcake, let's see what kind of food is in your kitchen" **_

"_**Let's" She says happily.**_

**I am taken out of my drunken daydream by a pretty voice saying my name "Spence"**

**Spence. **

**No one ever called me that except for her. And I love it. "Hmm?" I say lazily.**

"**Just making sure you were still alive" She is giving me her best smile and I give her a huge grin. **

"**Thanks" I motion to the bartender for another shot of tequila. "Do one with me?" I ask.**

**She looks from me, to the bartender nervously. "Umm, I don't know if that's such a good idea" She is biting her lip, something I've seen her do a thousand times before. **

**I stare at her wondering why she is declining a shot of tequila, as far back as I can remember, ever since her and I entered our partying life style at the age of seventeen, she has loved tequila. She let's out a nervous laugh, and turns so her back is leaning against the bar. She throws her head back and then gives me a silly look. "I get a little crazy when I drink tequila" **

**That's when the memory hits me like a wave. **

"_**Ash, come on! We don't have forever!" I am waiting at the bottom of the stairs for her, waiting for her slow poke butt to join me on my way to a party I heard about from a guy at my work. After waiting another five minutes, I make my way upstairs to her room. I lean against the side of her doorway. "What is taking you so long?" I see her rummaging through her closet. "What are you doing?" **_

_**She doesn't answer me but instead let's out a frustrated groan. "Son of a bitch, where is it?" **_

"_**ASH!" I say loudly.**_

_**She turns around. "What?" **_

"_**I thought you were ready to go about twenty minutes ago" I give her a glare, letting her know that I am becoming impatient.**_

"_**I was, until I remember that I have a bottle of Jose Cuervo somewhere in here." **_

"_**why do you have a bottle of Jose Cuervo in you closet? Shouldn't it be in the fridge or something?" **_

"_**I have a mini fridge in here somewhere." **_

_**I laugh. Her closet in about the size of my room and looks like a tornado went through it. "I'll help you find it" I walk in and stand behind her. I look around and instantly I spot it. It is right next to the doorway. "You need glasses" I open it and just like she said, there is a bottle of Jose Cuervo.**_

"_**Oh my god, you are amazing! Thank you!" She is still sitting on the floor. Grabbing my legs, she pulls me down the floor. "Let's pregame!" And with that she brings the bottle to her lips. **_

_**After about six large shots each, we are classified drunk. I am laying on the floor, with my head on her lap when she abruptly stands up causing my head to heavily hit the floor. "Ow" I loudly.**_

"_**You are a baby" Her voice is raspy. I watch her as she takes of her shirt and skirt and starts walking away from me. **_

"_**Where are you going?"**_

_**Nonchalantly she replies "Streaking" as if it's not a big deal or anything. But I'm pretty sure that you can get arrested for that kind of thing. **_

_**I stand up fast and instantly regret it. Instead of going straight when I take a step, I go left, right into the wall of the closet, taking a few shirts with me. "Ashley, waiiittt" I whine. Making my attempt to stand, I once again yell her name. "ASHLLEYYY!" **_

_**She then comes into my view. "What is with all the yelling?" She scratches her head.**_

"_**Don't do this." I plead.**_

"_**You'll have to stop me first" She gives me a devilish grin and then dash's away.**_

_**I groan and chase after her. As I job through her house after her, I notice her bra hanging on the front door. "No way" I say softly. **_

_**I open the door and see her standing there, hands over her breasts. **_

_**I put my hand out. "No, don't" I say calmly.**_

_**Her hands move to her underwear and she takes them off. She Let's out a loud laugh. **_

"_**You're insane!" I say, trying to balance myself. **_

"_**Maybe, maybe not." And with that she goes running down the street.**_

_**I decide that trying to not fall down is using to much energy so I lay down on her front lawn and wait for her to come back.**_

_**About twenty minutes later she comes back and lay's next to me. "You should have joined me" She is breathing heavily.**_

"_**Sorry I missed out" I smile at her. **_

"**What, you don't feel like streaking again?" I nudge her playfully. **

"**Maybe later" She shrugs her shoulders.**

"**Okay, if I promise to keep you from streaking, will you take a shot with me? You're beginning to make me look like an alcoholic" **

**She sticks her pinky out. "Pink swear?" **

"**I pinky swear" We pinky shake on it and I order another round of shots. **

"**Another round please" I tell the bartender.**

**He shakes his head. "I think you ladies have had enough for tonight" **

**I sigh and look over at Ashley who is playing poker with a few random people. "HA! I win again!" She stands up, arms above her head. "Suckers" She points at her opponents and gives me a wink. **

**I smile and stumble over to her, putting my arm around her shoulders. "Looks like you fellas just got beat by a girl, multiple times." I look at her and give her a big kiss on the cheek, which surprised both of us but we are to drunk to question anything right now. "I feel like we need to get back to the safety of our room, what do you think?" I say.**

"**Agreed" She grabs the money she has won and we stumble to our room. **

**I open the door after about five tries and as we walk in, she goes falling down to the floor. I step over her, and sit next to her, trying to get her up. "Getttt uuuppp" I say sloppily. **

**She does nothing buy laugh hysterically. **

"**Fine, I'm leaving youuuuu here" I point at her as I stand up but she grabs my hand, causing me to fall and our faces to be super close. I swallow hard and glance from her lips to her eyes several times. "Ash, youu should gett off the flooooooor" I tell her.**

"**I'm EXACTLY where I should be!" She says, eyes half closed. Suddenly she opens them, and stares at with her glossy drunken eyes. **

**And against all my better judgment, I lean down so my lips will meet hers. **

_**We are in so much trouble. **_


	11. Take it slow, my friend

Thank you for the reviews! And, I promise I will see this story the finish. It is one of my favorites that I have ever written. And once again, thank you to those who are still reading.

My lips meet hers and I can feel my stomach getting the butterflies. The kiss is seemingly innocent, gentle. I pull away slowly and watch as she keeps her eyes clenched shut. "Ash" I say, it's barely a whisper.

She opens her eyes slowly, and instantly I seem to get lost in her brown eyes. She is biting her lip. I watch her watching my lips. I sit up, back against the wall, and close my eyes. "This is crazy" In my moment of sobriety I feel instant regret for what has just happened.

I sense her move, and before I know it, her hands are cupping my cheeks softly and her lips are on mine again. This kiss is more intense and with tongue. I don't fight her, but I don't kiss her back either. I sit there, letting her kiss me, trying to not freak out in my drunken state. I tangle my fingers in her soft curls and she straddles me. I decide that I want to kiss her back and right after I do, she pulls away. I open my eyes to see her sitting on my lap, crying.

Without words I put my arms under hers and get us both standing, and then walk us to my bed and lay us down. She immediately takes her clothes off, so that she is only in her under garments and I do the same. Neither of us plan on having sex tonight, but instead we enjoy each others bodies against one another, sleeping away until late afternoon.

I wake to find Ashley's hand laying on my chest. I slowly move it and put my clothes on and then without waking her, I walk down to the hotel restaurant. As I am making my way downstairs, my hangover hits me like a brick wall and I instantly regret making the decision to come down here.

"Long night?" Someone says from behind me as I am sitting in the darkest corner of the restaurant I can fine. To my surprise, I turn around to the booth behind me to see Dan sitting with my parents. I look at them in shock. "You could say that" I move to where they are sitting and rest my head in my hands.

"Where's Ashley?" My mom asks.

"Sleeping" I don't even look up, I can't. It hurts to much. "Why are you guys here?" I ask.

"We wanted to make sure you girls hadn't killed each other, and who wouldn't want to go to paradise?" My dad answers cheerfully.

"Surprise, Ash and I are still alive." I bite my lip because I am remembering last night. "Fuck" I say loudly.

"Darling, have some class, Please" Dan says quietly.

"I need to go." I say rudely and walk back to the room. When I open the door I find Ashley in the bathroom puking her guts out. Instinct takes over and I hold her hair back and rub her back.

When she is done, I walk her back to the bed and we both lay there, not saying anything. Fifteen minutes go by until I finally speak up. "I don't regret a thing" I am being honest.

I hear her breathe in deeply. "Do you trust me?" She asks.

"Do I have a choice?" I say back. I've never had a choice when it comes to her and I. It always was her and I. Even when we were with other people, it was always just us.

"Spence.." Her voice is soft, sad.

I look over at her and take her hand in mine. "I love you. I always have. "

Her gaze meets mine, and a smile escapes my lips. "What if I don't trust me?" That was not a question I was expecting.

I close my eyes and let memories take over my mind.

"_You are adorable" She says to me as I am trying to zip up her jacket. _

_I smile. "You're pretty adorable yourself" I am struggling with her zipper and it is frustrating. She had called me to come over and help her with it. At first I thought she was just being silly, but now I see that I was being to naïve. "What the hell is wrong with your zipper?" I start tugging every which way on her jacket. _

"_Careful!" She puts her hands over mine. "I'll just find another one to wear" _

"_Are you sure?" I ask._

"_Yeah, I'm positive"_

"_What if I'm not?" I say, not really sure what I mean by it._

"_You don't think I can dress myself?" She asks pretending to be offended._

_I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know" _

"_Mmhmm" And with that she takes her broken jacket off and walks over to her closet and disappears into it._

_She walks out wearing a blue zip up hoodie. "What about this?" she twirls around for me._

"_You look great" I smile and brush a piece of her hair behind her ear. "You always do". _

_She blushes "Thanks, sweet talker" She leaves a gentle kiss on my cheek and then leaves a kiss on my lips. "I love you" she says. _

_I smile "I love you" _

"I miss my best friend" I say. A soft sigh escapes my lips. "Let's take this slow."

She huffs at my words.

"Ash, it's the only way we can be a part of each others lives right now" I explain. I sit up and look at her.

"I know" Her voice cracks and she sits up. "Friends" she sticks her hand out and I grip in firmly.

"Friends" A giant smile


	12. More than a friend

Okay, so I'm going to switch into Ashley's POV, thanks to Slushhy for the idea

I remember the first time I hung out with Spencer. I had just recently moved to Los Angeles and didn't know anyone. I was walking my dog Bubba and wasn't watching where I was going and nearly killed her.

_I let my dog bubba lead me as we are taking a walk around my new neighborhood. I am not paying attention when I run right into something. I am about to scream some profanity until I actually look at what I have hit. She is a blonde girl, probably around my age. "Oh my god! I am SO sorry" I apologize quickly. She is on the ground and I immediately grab her arms and help her back to her feet. "Are you okay?" I ask her. That's when I come eye to eye with her. She has shoulder length blonde hair, startling blue eyes and a killer body. _

_"Y-yeah I'm okay" A smile pulls at the corners of her lips._

"_Are you sure?" I spin her around, making sure she is okay. _

"_Really, I'm fine" She let's out a small laugh and I stick out my hand._

"_Ashley Davies" I say proudly._

"_Spencer Carlin" She replies and let's go. _

_After our encounter, I power walked back to my house with a huge smile on my face and new set of stomach butterflies that I knew were from her. _

I just spent two weeks in Hawaii with my ex-girlfriend. Which is seems to weird, and it is, but I did really enjoy myself. I was very shocked when she asked me to go with her. I mean, why would she want me to go with her to paradise? I broke her heart. I ripped it into a thousand pieces. In fact, I think I may have broke her as a whole. I can tell she's not the same as she was before everything went terribly wrong. And it's all my fault. I am to blame and I know that. I've known that since the first time I kissed another girl who wasn't Spencer while I was dating Spencer.

Fucked up? Very much so.

_I've been standing at her door for about five minutes wondering if this is a bad idea. I mean, I don't know this girl and she doesn't know me, but how else are you supposed to make friends? You never 'know' anyone until you befriend them. I take a deep breath and then knock on the door three times. And older blonde woman opens the door, she looks like Spencer, I assume it's her mom. "Hi, is uh, Spencer here?" I ask nervously and give her my legendary smile. _

"_Wait here" She says and smiles at me, closing the door a little bit. "Spencer? _

_I hear her answer "Yeah Mom?"_

"_You have a guest" _

_About five seconds later the door is opened very quickly and I am face to face with the Blonde Bombshell. She stumbles slightly but tries to act like she lost her footing. _

"_Hey Ashley" Her head tilts to the right, and she smiles at me. She lowers her head for a moment and then returns her attention to me._

"_Hey Spencer" I hold up __**Forrest Gump **__and a box of chocolate, cheesy, I know. _

"_What's this for?" She gives me a curious look but takes my gifts. _

"_It's my apology." I've never really been good at apologies, but I did almost kill her, so I have no choice. _

_She tilts her head and furrows her eyebrows._

_I rock back and forth on my feet. "You know, for almost killing you yesterday" I let out a small smile. _

"_That's really nice, thanks" _

"_Yeah, it's no big deal" I fidget with my jeans_

_We stand there in silence for a few minutes, and I don't if this means I should be leaving. But I follow my guy instinct. "Do you want to like, get out of here or something? You know, like hangout or whatever" I know I'm talking fast but I can't help it. I do this when I am really nervous. And this girl gives me a serious case of the butterflies. I decide that it's too much to handle and I just stare at my feet. _

"_Um, yeah, sure" She says. I wasn't expecting her to say yes. _

"_Really? I mean, because you don't have to just because I gave you chocolate and all" I shrug my shoulders. _

_She puts her hand on my shoulder, which calms me a little bit. "Really" She gives me yet another smile and then sets the movie and chocolates on the table by her door. "C'mon, let's to something crazy" _

_I laugh, and she turns red. _

_I knew this was a good idea. _

I remember when I told her I was gay and she didn't get freaked out, not even a little bit. I think I freaked out more about telling her than she was about the whole thing. I was 15 when I met her, and she was too. And I was 18 when I told her I am gay. Three years of knowing her and I had never told her I was into girls. I became friends with her because I thought she was a possible girl I could date, but because I she never talked about liking girls, just about the boys at school we knew, I decided it was best not to tell her. I didn't want her to know the affect she had on me, I wanted her in my life and the only way I knew was by not talking about it with her.

_I am sitting in my car outside her house. I am staring at down the street, trying to mentally prepare myself. _

_I hear her front door open and I begin to panic, thinking it's her. Instead it is Mrs. Carlin. "Are you coming in Ashley?" She asks me._

"_Yeah, I am" I step out of my car and she meets me halfway to her door and puts her arm around me._

"_How are you, dear?" Mrs. Carlin has always been very nice to me, actually, the entire Carlin family has. _

"_I'm great Mrs. Carlin, how are you?" She pushes the door and removes her arm._

"_Please, call me by my first name. We have known you for three years, you are practically family" She smiles and leaves me standing at the door._

_I stand there and think about what I have planned up in my head to say to her. _

_I am jostled out of my thoughts by Spencer. "There you are. I was starting to wonder if you had forgotten about our sleepover." She smiles and me._

"_Psh, yeah right" I laugh and she grabs my hand and we hurriedly run up the stairs. I don't know why we run up the stairs, it's not like there is something chasing us, but ever since we've been friends ,we always run up the stairs, no matter what. _

_She leaps onto her bed, falling onto her back. She doesn't let go of my hand, taking me with her. I fall on top of her, and I instantly start tickling her. She starts to squirm. "No Ash, don't" She threatens me with wide eyes but all I can do let out an evil grin. I start to tickle her and for ten minutes she struggles wildly until I stop. _

_I roll off her and sit up, running my fingers through my hair. _

_She sits up as well and stares at me. I know exactly what she is thinking and she knows what I'm thinking. I mean, aside from the whole being gay thing, she knows that I'm thinking of another way to torture her. _

_She bites her lip, and her eyes glance to her window. I immediately jump off the bed and make a dash for the window, and she does too. I try to push her away to so I can get out first, but she body checks me halfway across the room and makes a smooth getaway. "Hey! No fair!" I protest._

_She yells back "Ladies First!" _

_I roll my eyes and crawl the window. She is sitting in our spot. I walk over to her. "I have something to tell you" I say quietly._

_She looks up at me as I sit down. "Yeah?"_

"_Yeah" I reply. "Okay, so you remember that girl Evelyn I was friends with over the summer?" I am nervous as hell. I think I might puke._

"_Yeah" _

"_Remember how upset I was when she had to go back to Washington?" _

"_Mmhmm" I can feel her eyes burning a hole in the side of my face._

"_She was kinda, more than just my friend" When I say this she looks away and stares into suburbia. I look at her, trying to figure out what she is about to do._

_She is just being silent, too silent. "Say something" I plead, searching her for an answer._

_She clears her throat and turns to me. "I know" _

_I open my mouth to say something, but I have no idea what to say. I mean, what do you say to that? _

_My mouth is dry and my head is spinning. "How?"_

"_I saw you two kissing in your pool" She bites her lip._

"_Why didn't you say anything to me?" I am in shock._

_She shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know, it just didn't seem like my place. I figured that when you wanted me to know, you would tell me." Her answer is very honest and yet it makes me sad. _

_I am silent. I don't know what to say. "You're the best friend I've ever had." _

_She doesn't reply, but instead takes my hand, intertwining our fingers and gives me a kiss on the cheek. _

_I am nineteen and staying at my parents home for the summer to save money._

"_Hello?" I lazily say into my phone._

"_Ashley, it's Paula. You need to come to the hospital right away" Paula says._

_I sit up fast. "How come? Is Spencer okay?" My heart is beating a thousand times a minute._

"_Spencer is fine. Just please come to the Hospital, it's important." _

"_Okay" I hang up the phone and hurriedly put on some pants and a jacket. _

_I arrive at the hospital to find Paula standing by the desk of the E.R. She looks as if she has been crying._

"_Where is she?" _

"_Spencer is fine, I promise." She assures me._

"_Then why am I here?" I ask confused._

"_There was a car accident, involving your parents" Her words are slow and for a moment, I think time has stopped._

"_What?" I can feel my chest tightening._

"_Your parent's were in a very bad car crash" She puts her hand on my shoulder._

"_But they were on a business trip in Seattle" _

"_I know, they were on their way back." Her eyes are full of tears._

_My eyes are on fire._

"_At this early in the morning?" My voice cracks. I can feel my hands start to shake and then my entire body. "It- it's my birthday tomorrow" A tear rolls down my left cheek and I look up at her._

"_They were going to surprise you" _

"_Dr. Carlin, we need you right now" A nurse says to Paula. _

_She looks at me and then at the nurse. _

"_No, don't leave me!" I beg, grabbing her arm. _

"_Ashley, sweetie, I have too" _

_And then she leaves me._

_I sit there for an hour or so, waiting. And then decide to call Spencer._

_She arrives fifteen minutes later with her dad. When I see her, I run to her and am engulfed in her arms. I try my hardest to keep myself composed, but I can't. My knees become weak and I start to sob uncontrollably. She moves us to a couch and her and Mr. Carlin sit with me while I wait to hear about my parents. _

"_Ms. Davies?" A nurse asks me. _

_Spencer grabs my hand. "Yes?" I ask._

_She looks at me, then at Mr. Carlin and Spencer. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but the damage was to severe." And then she walks away._

_I sit there in shock. _

"_Ash.." Spencer says._

_I can't speak, I can only scream. I scream into Mr. Carlin's chest until I can't anymore and then I start cry and I don't stop._

_I don't think I stopped crying to a few days. _

_When I eventually stopped crying, I made a promise to myself that I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again. I vowed to never let anyone get too close because you never know why they might suddenly disappear on you, everyone except Spencer. _


End file.
